Wal-mart Blooper

Ok, so I really enjoy laughing – and honestly not at the expense of others, it just seems like that because I’m always telling on others. Today, I’m telling a story about my parents. My mother used to weigh a lot more than she does now and given the fact that she is 5 feet tall, her weight was overwhelming to her small frame. She was headed into Wal-mart one day with my dad. It was pouring down rain, and she had on comfy clothes and ked-like slip-ons. On the way in to the building, she asked my dad to lend her his arm because her shoes may be slippery.

He, my dad, can be a little, uhm, how you say, difficult sometimes so he refused to help her as they walked into the store. As soon as the greeter said, “Hello”, my mother’s feet slipped , her weight shifted, and she completely wiped out in the front door of Wal-mart. Instead of reaching to help her up, my dad bolted to the back of the store – embarrassed at being seen with ‘the woman who was laying on the floor in the middle of the entry way at a high traffic Wal-mart’. As she was trying to get up, she realized everyone was stopping to stare at her. She quickly replied to their stares with, “You can move along now. I’m getting up!”

I giggle when I write this because I might be guilty of doing the same thing my dad did, but I realized that isn’t what loving is about. You see, I’ve come to realize that true love will be embarrassed with us! My natural instinct is to keep from being embarrassed or drawn to ‘embarrassing’ situations. Of course, my very unnatural nervous habit of laughter would have kicked in and I would not have been able to stop. I sure do need to brush up on my own ability to offer unconditional love – because that even comes with embarrassing situations! What do you do when faced with being embarrassed?

Blooper Laughs

I feel like it is time to take another try at writing about some bloopers I’ve encountered. I need some good whole-hearted belly laughs.

This one today, again “outs” someone, but rates right up there with some of the funniest moments I’ve ever experienced. Today, Granddaddy is getting outed. This story is about another funeral. [I swore I wasn't singing at another funeral, but somehow it just keeps happening.]

My family had been asked to sing at a funeral of one of the bike riders in my dad’s GWRRA chapter. It was a sudden death and completely unexpected. My heart was breaking for the family because this man really was the glue for them. Of course, my dad said that we would sing [without asking me or Granddaddy - so we both got roped into it].

So, we start to sing the song Amazing Grace. Now,I don’t know many people that don’t actually know that song – at least heard of it – or may not know all of the verses but does know the first verse right? It is a very familiar song and if you’ve been in church much, you’ve heard it many times. For the record, Granddaddy always sings the lead and Diddy and I sing harmony. We start out singing [Diddy and I are following along in harmony], and I hear something other than the correct words coming out. Now, I’ve said before that my nervous habit it hysterical, uncontrolled laughter. I was nervous. I was at a funeral. I didn’t want to sing because my heart hurts so much during those things right? Well, Granddaddy forgot the words to the first verse of Amazing Grace so I guess he thought he would just ‘go with the flow’. Ha! He started singing, “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. I forgo-oo-oo-t the words!” Uhm, yeah…I completely lost it! I might add that, the harder I try to stop laughing, the worse I get! Oh my, I was in complete hysterics.

Some time later, I found out from the family – after they heard what actually happened, that you could hear this whole mishap on the funeral recording. How’s that for being ‘caught’?

Til next time, enjoy laughing at my expense!

Baylee reminded me.

As I was driving home from Baylee’s school, the carpool kids were discussing hair. Baylee was telling the story of how ‘her dad’ shaved her head when she was a baby. Then she proceeded to say, “I suppose I was telling the wrong story all along. It was Mom who shaved my head.” That story brought back other memories. First to clarify, YES, I did shave my poor baby girl’s head when she was 2 months old. I had a friend that was Thai and she told me their traditions were to shave the head of their girls so that their hair comes back faster and thicker. Matt insisted that we do this because Arlene said so. She has gorgeous hair. Poor Baylee had peach fuzz hair for over a year. It did NOT grow back faster!

We were talking about shaving heads and it made me remember another goof-up I made about 2 months after I got married. We were poor [and I'm mean POOR] little airmen, and Matt said that we needed to save money and cut his hair. He asked me to do the back. I had NO idea how to cut hair with the clippers, and I balked, but he insisted. So, I took the clippers in my hand and very slowly started up. I basically ate a chunk out of his hair. He told me he wanted it long, and when I saw what I had done, I put them down, and said, “I’m done! I can’t do this!” He said, “What’s going on?” When he saw the bald spot I had created his face was priceless. I must confess that I have never laid hands on clippers for HIS head ever again! For that, he’s grateful!

My blooper with Daddy

Yes, my poor dad is getting ready to get ‘outted’ by this post, but I couldn’t help it! Again, my hysterical laughter played the role of making me look idiotic, but it’s okay. I can laugh now because it’s plain straight up funny! HA! Yes, I’m laughing at myself.

At Christmastime in the late nineties, my dad and I were asked to sing at a Christmas gathering at a church in our community. He was playing his guitar, and I didn’t realize that I could actually play the keys then – but that was the set up. Daddy on his guitar singing, and me singing beside him.

We practiced, and since ‘Daddy was getting old’ [isn't that funny!] I made very detailed notes on the music. They looked sort of like this: Daddy leads, Ash – harmony, or Ashley LEADS – Daddy do the harmony. Don’t forget you’re doing harmony!

In our lineup was “Emmanuel”. You know, “Oh come oh come Emmanuel. And ransom captive Israel”. I’m very sorry if this is now stuck in your head. Here’s the deal, I was up to sing the lead of this song. We were going to do an amazing a cappella version of this song. You know how BEAUTIFUL family harmonies are and how well they blend right? It made the hair on my arms stand at attention during our rehearsal. He was to strum the chord on the guitar and then let it ring out, and I would push forward . . . Yes, BIG deep breath, and I start to sing “Oh come” and my dad is singing AS high as I WAS because he missed the note. . . ? Panic set in. I didn’t really know how to recover and he wouldn’t stop singing. Yes, you already see what’s getting ready to happen. . . the first giggle slipped out and I was TOAST! Strum. . . * *deep breath* *, * *giggling* *, “Ok, ok”. Strum… **deep breath**, **EXTREME LAUGHTER**, and we tried this about 15 times LITERALLY. We finally had to go to the next song, and come back to it to get through it.

Strum. . . **deep breath**, **small giggles, Oh come, . . .**

Whew! I got through it, but I have to admit that when the initial instance happened, I could only imagine my dad struggling with himself to even sing that high and started imaging someone doing ugly things to him to cause him to be able to hit the notes that he was hitting. Oh dear. . . I suppose there’s never a dull moment with me around!

My wedding day blooper.

Most people think back to their wedding day, and warm, fuzzy thoughts flood their minds, right? Well, as I started thinking about ridiculous things that had caused me to break into hysterical laughter, Matt quickly reminded me that my wedding day surely fell into this category. I have yet to see the video from the wedding, but I can only imagine what it must have looked like.

Matt and I chose to use different vows, not the traditional ones. My great uncle was officiating the ceremony, and maybe you noticed that I said GREAT uncle. . . Yes, I’m implying that he was a little older and required the use of reading glasses. Since we opted to use different vows, I decided to print them out for him in a huge 48 size font. I mean, literally, there were probably 2 words on a line, only one if it was a long word. The pages were all neatly labeled and all he had to do was read. Yes, just read. Matthew is repeating after him and said this line, “I promise to respect and be respected by you.” Uncle Onnie then said, “And to respect and be respected by you.” As soon as I realized that he had lost his place, the nervous laughter began and the little giggles started seeping out. Trying to maintain every shred of composure that I could, [don't forget my coping mechanism to stress is uncontrollable, inappropriate laughter] I looked up at Matt with panic in my eyes. Matthew started, “And to respect”. . . I broke out into full form – hysterics. As soon as Uncle Onnie realized what had happened, and that there was no helping me, he jokingly interjected, “Well, I guess he’s really going to practice respect huh?” It was all I could stand there and laugh like a fool.

Do you recall wedding ritual? Yes, most often, the groom is addressed and the bride follows. Now, at this point are you beginning to realize the panic that is really settling inside of me? I have to start talking and professing my undying love for Matthew and ALL I can do, literally is laugh! I managed to giggle through most of it, but as soon as we got to the ‘respect and be respected by you’ part, the hysterics started all over again.

Matthew got so irritated, but there were folks in the audience that were giggling and cackling with me. That made it worse. I think I may be able to identify some other ‘laughing’ coper’s.  Most people have other technical problems with their wedding ceremonies, but I don’t know of anyone that has suffered through the vows fighting full form hysterical laughter.

Maybe tomorrow’s story will bring even funnier memories. . . ‘Til then! G’night!

Another blooper

I can laugh with the best of you at myself, but laughter isn’t always the reaction I’m looking for. I can’t remember if I have ever posted about this particular trouble I have, so I suppose I’ll ‘air’ my laundry here. My nervous habit is laughter. Some people bite their fingernails, some hive and welp up, some have sweaty or shaky hands, some do it all. I laugh.

I was driving down the road one day and realized quickly that I was going to crash if I wasn’t able to get slowed down. I was about 17 years old and had “tons” of driving experience. You agree, right? So, I’m about 3 miles away from home and there was a rollback that was billowing black smoke from it in front of me. He slowed to a creep and apparently the lady in the car behind me didn’t realize that we had slowed down so much. I told my friend to hang on because we were getting ready to get whacked. She hit me from behind going about 60 – 65 mph. We were going about 15-20 mph. The whole back end of my car buckled. Both quarter-panels were bent toward the ground.

My passenger just happened to be eating Laffy Taffy. It was funny because she has no idea what happened to it because we couldn’t find it anywhere in the car after the crash. [I suggested that she swallowed it whole and was awful lucky not to have choked on it!]

When I got out of the car and jelly-leggedly walked to the back to see the damages, a giggle slipped out. I sat down in the middle of the road and then, the eyes watering, trouble breathing, hysterical laughter erupted. By the time the cop got there, I was in a full form. He kept asking if I had been drinking or hitting a pipe. I had no idea what ‘hitting a pipe’ meant, but I answered him with a giggly “no”. It was so severe that I had to take a breathalyzer and drug test to prove I was innocent.

After I was cleared, I tried to explain to this trooper that I seriously just didn’t know how to handle stress and that it was laughter for me. He said that he had never encountered something like it.

So, if I get nervous, I break out in laughter. More laughter coming in the next few days. . .  :D   Enjoy at my crazy expense!

How DO you milk a cow?

I find this HILARIOUS and laughed so hard that I cried!! My home is full of girls! The Doty home is full of boys [because the girl is too little right now]! Sunday we were on our way to get some dinner and Baylee [my 8 yr old] and Bryson [7 yr old boy] were having a conversation about Baylee’s desire to be a farmer. Don’t ask me! She’s adamant about this profession. I never even heard the conversation [which I probably would have lost it completely if I'd have heard it going on!].

Back to my story. . . Baylee was telling her sisters ‘how to milk a cow’. This is what Bryson had explained to her, and she took him at his word since he was an expert! He has milked a cow for REAL!!!! “Baylee, you have to pull on the cow’s wiener until the milk comes out. Just keep on pulling it – and it’s hard work, but the milk comes out. I promise!”

Imagine me in hysterics at this moment! Baylee had no clue what a wiener is! Remember that we’re a home of GIRLS! We had to politely explain that it was the same as mommy’s feeding their babies – and the milk comes from the same place. Matt was 90 million shades of red and tears were streaming down my face. Matt went on to say, Baylee, farmers call the utters ‘teets’. Baylee quickly popped back, “Oh! So you pull the teet wiener until the milk comes out?!”

One day she’ll get tickled when she realizes what happened! I love the innocence of these kids! I died laughing when I realized that Bryson thought the poor cow got milked by HER wiener! FUNNY!!!!! Hope you get a laugh as BIG as I did!!!!

A dumb blonde joke. . .

So, this guy is dating a blonde gal and asks her about going to vacation in Florida. She balked and complained that it was too far. He said to her, “Which is closer; the moon or Florida?” She matter of factly replied, “Uh, DUUUUUUHHHH! The moon! You can see it – you can’t see Florida!”

I needed a bit of humor to brighten up this day!

What a goober!

So, we show up to church on Sunday morning to sound check for KidsPointe worship. Matt and I – and YES! Sunday mornings are hard. So, Matt puts the car in reverse [doesn't move yet], and starts clapping his hands. I asked him what he was clapping for and he got angry at me – says I had an ugly tone in my voice – oops! We ended up quarreling for the two minutes it takes us to get there. I never even noticed anything out of the ordinary. 

I was standing on the platform, and Michele starts telling me that our children need to get home. ‘Matt and Ashley need to stop. Y’all are just gross!’ I had NO idea what was going on. Apparently, Matt showed up with his shirt inside out. Yep! That’s right. THE BAD THING is that it’s not the first time he’s done it!

It wasn’t due to inappropriate advances, etc. There’s a rule at my house. If it comes to me in the laundry inside out, it will be returned to you in the same form! Wonder if he’ll learn? I love him anyway!

Another blooper . . .

I just had to share this! I was thinking about some of the most goofy things I have ever done in my life and seriously died laughing. I realize I’m just a dork – no excuses – that is JUST who I am!! 

Before we went to cell only phone service, we, like many other American families had a cordless phone system. I’m not really sure what happened, but we were looking everywhere for the phone and finally gave up looking for it. When I found it three days later behind the milk in the refrigerator, I CRACKED UP! ‘What had happened was’. . . I went grocery shopping and received a phone call that ended while I putting away the groceries! NO wonder I couldn’t hear it ringing!

I’ll try to share a couple more funnies as I think about them! I’m trying to keep my spirits lifted during a difficult time!